


So You Think You're the Last of the Time Lords?

by RoseByAnyOtherName (badxwolfxrising)



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 16:49:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3495704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badxwolfxrising/pseuds/RoseByAnyOtherName
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can't shag your way across all of time and space and not expect there to be consequences. Super crack crackity crackfic!</p>
            </blockquote>





	So You Think You're the Last of the Time Lords?

He got the blue envelope in the mail, and that was only the beginning of the strangeness. Well, in the mail wasn't quite accurate, either. The envelope had been taped to the front of the TARDIS doors after he'd returned from accidentally getting married to Queen Elizabeth I. The consummation bit of the marriage had occurred a little less accidentally, but that was a story for another day. There had been copious amounts of wine involved.

He was a time traveler, so it wasn't as if he exactly had a permanent address. Still, he had post office boxes on a couple of different planets under a couple of different names, so it wasn't as though someone needed to deliver the envelope in the manner they had chosen. He figured there probably had to be a good reason it had been hand delivered, as he turned it over in his fingers, trying to discern its origins.

Inside the envelope was a single blue sheet of paper, with a date and a set of space-time coordinates. The intergalactic conference station and buffet, he noted curiously.

Who would have a reason to conference with him? Still, he did love a good buffet. He set the coordinates, pulled a few levers, and sent the TARDIS spinning out into space.

* * * * *

He exited the TARDIS into a mostly empty hallway, next to the giant potted tree that looked like a palm, if not for the bright purple fronds. With surprise, he noticed that River Song was waiting for him a little ways down the hall, her arms crossed under her chest.

“Hello, Sweetie,” she said. “Surprised to see me?”

“Not really,” he said, looking her up and down and thinking that her breasts looked bigger than he remembered. Granted, she'd been wearing a spacesuit the last time he'd seen her, but still. She looked a lot softer and rounder than she did the last time he'd seen her. “Are you pregnant?” he asked.

She just smiled at him in a way that made him feel extremely uncomfortable, and patted him on the arm. “Do you know why you were called here?” she asked, ushering him down the hallway.

“Haven't the foggiest idea, actually,” he said cheerfully. “That's half the fun of it, though.”

River raised her eyebrows, but said nothing. They had stopped outside one of the many soundproofed conference rooms, and she was leaning against the door jamb. “After you,” she said, gesturing to the door. He pushed into the room, and she followed after him.

It was loud in the conference room. Screaming babies and chattering women brought the pitch in the room to a level that was nearly insufferable. His eyes searched the room at first with curiosity, but then with increasing dismay as he noted that all of the women's faces were familiar, and that they all had one thing in common: at some point or another, the Doctor had slept with each of them.

There was Reinette in the corner, nursing a baby boy with a scruffy mop of light brown hair while she talked to a blonde that looked suspiciously like Romana's second incarnation. Sitting at Romana's feetwas a teenage girl with long drown curls and ridiculously white teeth, half-reading a copy of _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_ and half talking to another teenage girl sitting next to her, this one with wavy brown hair and dimples. Marilyn Monroe flitted by then, and he put two and two together. The brunette with the wavy hair looked just like her. And had his eyes.

With mounting panic, he swept the other side of the room and saw Rose Tyler holding a squirming toddler, and a very pregnant Queen Bess chatting with Grace Holloway, who was holding onto the shoulders of a teenage boy with dark brown hair. Astrid Peth came through the door then, looking both surprisingly alive and visibly pregnant. There were other women milling about and other children and babies as well. He thought he saw Joan Redfern, Cameca, and some others, but that would just be straight impossible...right?

“Oh, that's not even fair!” he protested to River, pointing at Astrid as she sashayed over to Marilyn. “I didn't even get a chance to think about shagging her before she died!”

“So you _do_ know why you're here then?” River asked, amusement creeping into her tone.

“Ah, I may have a few hypothesis on the reason for my presence here today, yes,” he said, looking at his feet. “And you? What happened to you?”

“Picnic at Asgard,” she said, cradling her swollen belly.

“Right. Gool ol' picnic at Asgard,” he said, feeling miffed that he was on the hook now for a shagging and impregnation that hadn't technically happened to him yet. “So...do they all want money from me? Like child support or something? Because you know me, I don't really do money.”

“I dare say every woman here knows this about you, Sweetie,” River said lightly, with no malice in her voice.

“So why am I here, if not that?” he asked, genuinely perplexed.

“You know how you're always going on with that Last of the Time Lords nonsense? Well, now that you've shagged your way across the universe, you don't get to say that anymore.”

He just stared at her, speechless. “Are there any other surprises I should know about?”

“Er, we're actually waiting on an alternate timeline version of Donna to get here. She's having twins.”

“Donna?! Having twins?!” he goggled.

When he fainted, River just stepped out of the way and let one of his many sons keep him from hitting the floor.

* * * * *

The Doctor woke up with a start, the dream dissolving around him as he did. He rubbed at his face and looked around, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. He realized that he was in his bedroom on the TARDIS. Alone. No chiding women, no screaming babies.

But on the other hand...no women or babies. Just him, all by his lonesome in the TARDIS. He sighed, thinking that perhaps that had to have been one of the stranger dreams he'd had in a long time, but he wasn't exactly sure what to make of it. If the Universe were trying to send him a cosmic message, it was certainly lost on him and his raging hard-on.


End file.
